November 10, 1994
To you –
No one upon this earth walks with me in confusion; yet there is one who runs with me in loneliness…
* * *
I ponder by the window and watch tiny raindrops trickle down the window pane. Eventually each drop glides into another until a puddle is formed on the soil below. The rain has calmed to a steady sprinkle, but a violent storm rages through my mind. A dismal cloud of gray hovers over the rainbow I long to see. I realize this is my life.
Each tiny raindrop represents a tear that seeps from my weary eyes. Each teardrop ultimately glides into another until a puddle is formed, not on the soil but on the pillow beneath my face. I weep unto the darkness, anticipating the disappearance of that dismal cloud of gray that hides my rainbow. Each night I lie awake and struggle with that violent storm of confusion raging through my mind. I am lost but not alone.
I ache inside from a tangled web of darkness. My feelings are shattered into a thousand different pieces, each on reaching for the other; each one reaching out to those I love. But the rain I once envisioned in my mind seems to wash away their grasp. And so, still before me lie the pieces of my emotions I must gather up and mend. I am on my way; yet I am not alone.
* * *
I open the door, and although it is still drizzling outside, I step out into the world and begin again. I gently wipe the tears from my eyes, take a deep breath, and look back for a last goodbye to what was.
The path I shall follow is a long one. Although I am ignorant to much of what lies ahead of me, each step I take is a new beginning. I shall learn from each experience and never relinquish the hope of finding my rainbow. Looking up, I realize the rain has stopped and that dismal cloud of gray is slowly slipping from the sky. I now know that the rainbow I long for is within my grasp. Please don’t take that away from me. I don’t wish to hurt you, but you must set me free to find my way along the path I feel in my heart has been paved for me. I won’t know for sure until I take my first step.
A part of me needs your hand in mine, guiding me along that path. But a bigger part of me know it is time to let go and pursue the path of life which lies within my heart. I know what I feel to be right. And so, I shall step out into the world and reach for my rainbow. My mind begins to whirl, but I am not alone.
* * *
I pause by the window and gaze at the particles of sunlight attempting to peer over the horizon. Each streak of sunlight represents a tiny ray of hope along the path I must follow. And I realize, this too is my life.
From me –
(This is a poem I wrote to my mother when I left home at 19. She did not want me to go, but I knew it was time to trust God to lead me home.)
passionwolfcreative 